Juicing: The Ultimate Pure Green Cleanse


So everyone is ‘juicing’ now (didn’t you get that memo?). And by ‘everyone’ I don’t mean uuber-human celebs and the Star Tech off on the far flung planet of Silicon Valley but …you know, normals. I’ve never done any diet before, ever. So why follow the flock now?

Well about two months ago after being very regularly sick for a very long time (2 years), and no answers from my GP, I cut out wheat completely from my diet. No more Mr. Kipling, no more Kellogg’s, no more lovely crumbly hobnobbly bickies. I couldn’t believe the difference within just a few days. My energy levels and my brain were given a massive kick in the bum. My running distance increased in a mere 4 jogs from a pathetic 2.5km to a slightly more decent 6km.

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Anyways, point is it really showed me just what a radical difference what you put into your body makes to how you feel. Before I sorta knew the theory but now it was starting to quite literally be internalised.  So when a friend mentioned the juicing thing I was curious.

Yes there’s the appeal of weight loss and health. I would be a liar if I said that wasn’t true.

But I also think it’s really interesting how ‘cleanses’ seem to almost have become the substitute for religious ‘cleanses’. People talk about feel ‘clean’ after a few days on the green stuff. It’s almost like your a ‘good person’ if you consume the ‘good’ food. I think cleansing appeals to the lost remnants of our old Irish Catholic psyche like nothing else. It gives them a place again. Except now the ‘body of Christ’ is probably a leaf of kale. Never before in human history has ‘you are what you eat’ been so loaded with meaning.

It’s as much about flexing your self discipline and control around food as it is about the end results. You only have to look at Ramadan or Lent to see religion is no stranger to a good cleanse. Hell, (sorry) they invented the concept. People even talk about  reaching the extremes of cleanses to the point of ‘hajucinating’. Well, one could argue there is plenty of that in religion too…

We tried replacing religion with shopping back in the ‘good ole days’ – of which Dundrum was probably the Mecca. But that didn’t really work out for us did it? It became a bit too much of an exclusive around abouts 2008. People tend to revolt against an ideology they can’t afford to participate in or are actively excluded from – enter the hipster, his bicycle and his new complex attempts at conspicuous ‘inconspicuous’ consumption… and at the other end of the social classes, the London Riots.

But don’t be fooled. Healthy eating is the hippy leftest saviour of all. It’s becoming just as exclusive as the latest Louis Vuitton tote. Costs of food from meat to coffee and particularly fresh fruit and vedge have absolutely sky rocketed since 2008. So where historically, the rich were fat and the poor were rags and bone, we now have a perverse reversal of the situation. So today, the lower down the social classes you slide the larger your waistline.. and all the associated health problems. Health problems none of us can afford to fix and we certainly can’t depend on the government to solve.

Will we eventually reach a stage where the next London Riots hit M&S food hall? Well food is even more complex than other forms of consumption. So I don’t think we are repeating the exact same history. Let them eat cake, for the moment.

Anyway, there are my ‘reasons for doing’ for the moment… A few people have asked but it’s been a bit tricky to explain. So now you know.


I’m not buying my ingrediants and processing it all in a juicer (not blender you apparently never ‘juice’ with a blender). I don’t have time for that and if I invest in a good kitchen appliance anytime soon it will be a Kitchen Aid (middle-class kitchen Mecca), not some contraption I may throw at the back of a cupboard if I totally hate the whole thing.

Fortunately, there is an excellent business called Paleo Meals Deliveries that now do a 3 day juice detox program. Their juices are 100% raw, natural and locally sourced. They have fun names like Liquid Lunch (see, total Celtic Tiger replacement) and Ginger Tonic (my hair is still plenty ginge after drinking 🙂 )and are ‘packed full’ of green goody stuffs like kale, spinach, cucumber, beetroot, celary, ginger, parsley, broccoli and wheatgrass. I don’t know what the % breakdown or calorie content is but as a total juice novice it’s probably not going to be useful information for me.

A course of 12 juices over 3 days (they’re super fresh so you really can’t keep beyond this) costs €75 and you can collect or they’ll deliver for a small additional fee. You don’t have to drink all the juices. I will mention at this point that Paleo Meals is primarily about Paleo diet food so this juice cleanse is just a smaller part of what they provide. The actual ‘meals’ end of things is really worth checking out. And I might just try that as a longer course in the near future.


Day One:

Juices drank: about 2.25 (I couldn’t manage a full 3, never mind the spare).

The  juices themselves taste absolutely lovely and refreshing…but as someone who never drank juice or smoothies the sweetness and nutrient intensity of the products is hard to ‘stomach’. I’m hoping day 2 will be a bit better as obviously I’m not trying to starve myself here. I haven’t felt hungry – just my usual cravings at the usual time. Bit of egg/cheese in the morning… bit of chocolate around that 4pm slump in the office. I’d a full day at the office, complaining to everyone that would listen like a brat, but actually feeling pretty OK all things considered. Aside from a tiny stomach cramps at miniature golf – a welcome distraction – there was nothing particular to note. I ‘cheated’ with a stick of celery in some hot sauce. But calling celery ‘cheating’ is probably mental. Had to work very late afters – so probably not ideal for know what the effects are the next day and what is just general tiredness.

Juicing Day 2:
Juices drank: 2.5
Cigarettes: 1
How much this sounds like the diet failings of Bridget Jones: Very

Epic fail. All hell breaks loose. Man did I pick a bad time to do this. Woke up pretty hungry but nothing intolerable. Have a juice for breakfast in work. One hour later, doubling over with cramps. No, not juice ones…the other ones. Need pain killers and tea. Lots of tea. Milky tea (a big ‘no no’ apparently). Pain killers on an empty stomach though? I’m thinking no. Substitute juice at lunch for some Kale Crunch and some nuts. Realise I’m getting nowhere near the amount of juice I’m supposed to be having so this is a completely stupid pointless review of no use to none of ya’all. Feel like a hopeless failure over some kale and nuts. KALE for Christ’s sake. CashmereandGloss Ashley is engaging in severe disappointed head shaking, as I’m supposed to be her guinea pig before she tried it apparently. Resolved to finished with 2 juices this evening and continue tomorrow. Um, ate a slice of pizza, had one more juice… Think the ‘logic’ at the time was ‘Well I’ve already screwed up by having nuts… might as well have Pizza. It had spinach on it though. And it was gluten free obv. Yeah, no excuse. Go to bed hating myself just a little bit.

Day 3:
Juices 1 (+ 2nd tonight)
Feel grand. Have nuts and half a juice for breakfast/lunch… a sneaky Cadbury’s 40g piece of chocolate gets in there somewhere around lunchtime. Resolve to never give up tea. Ever. Sorry I abandoned you for even a single day tea. This review is now completely useless.

Weight lost: 3 lbs
(in three days that’s an awful lot but as I didn’t follow it properly I’ve no doubt it will be back by the end of the weekend, and it was never the purpose of this). The juices (bar one – the beetroot) were really tasty and refreshing. I particularly liked the Ginger Tonic. Have a sneaking suspicion it would taste just amaaazing with vodka in there! However despite being normally a healthy enough eater, my body just isn’t used to that level greenery. For anybody else planning to do this I’d suggest trying a few of the juices as substitutes for a meal in the run up to doing 2 or 3 days. Just so your stomach gets a bit used to it. But that’s not a professional opinion, so best to ask Paleo about that. You can read the full detail of how the cleanse is actually supposed to be done here. Also, I missed running the last two days, so I’m going for a nice long run this evening. I’ll probably keep up the juices by as a breakfast thing from now on (they’re stocked locally to me). Who knows, maybe that small change will make a big difference. But running is my thing and it’s ‘the thing’ that works for me (clearly extreme self control is not). So back we go. Good luck finding your thing.

Outside of their advice I would have a few tips:
1) If you’ve a busy working week or you don’t know how busy you are going to be, don’t embark on this. Pick a time you don’t have much mental activity things to do.
2) Hormones are a bitch. If you’re normally effected badly, plan around em.
3) Juicing and dates don’t mix… or friends, or weddings.


Interesting note: spell check has underlined ‘celery’ a few times. Probably because I’ve never actually written it down before. lol.




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